Psychologically Unemployable

So, you know how I spell BOSS backwards? Double S… O-B. I don’t like ’em. Never have, never will. Bunch of money hungry power starved asphalt holes. Actually, I always like them at first,

manhole
but it doesn’t take long for them to fall out of my good graces. They’re cool until the nagging and complaining and demanding starts, and then it’s all over. Well, there was this one guy who was cool for about 3 weeks, but he was the exception, not the rule.

So, after I had been in a job for a long time (about 3 months.), I started feeling like I was going a little crazy.  I don’t mean like seeing little monkeys riding on dogs’ backs

dog

and then jumping on my shoulder to whisper sweet nothings in my ear – crazy. I just mean that I didn’t think right in the head and my mind started playing tricks on me.  It wasn’t good and I didn’t like it.  I guess that explains the 25 – 30 different employers in 16 yrs.

Okay, so sometimes I’d imagine myself (in slow motion) tapping my boss on the shoulder and when he turned around, I’d feed him a knuckle sandwich… and with a smile. Now, I wasn’t eating special mushrooms like the ones my neighbor grows, but I still had hallucinations. I’d often see wide-open roads and a lone boat floating in a calm ocean. What does that mean?

And you know how when someone loses a finger and they sometimes feel a “phantom finger” in its place?  Well, I’d often get tricked into feeling a “phantom” 200 lb. bear trap clamped to my ankle. Is that normal? Now, I’m not into ghosts and hauntings and all that paranormal stuff, but I swear the work clock was possessed. I’m not kidding, four times a minute it would telepathically whisper to me, “Look up here. Look up here”. Talk about super distracting. It really made the workday drag on and on and on…

So, I’ve come to the conclusion that working for others is for the birds… well, unless you work for me, of course. I’m the first boss

vultures

I’ve ever really liked. In fact, I love me. I’m real nice and I always feel that I listen to me. I’m very flexible with my schedule and I give me a TON of time off.  I let me come in late to work and I don’t even care if I don’t show up at all. I mean… I do, but I manage me by results. I don’t talk down to me and I don’t pressure me with stupid deadlines. Not to toot my horn or anything, but I really am a pretty chill boss. I take the S and the O and the B out of the word boss.

If you’re like me, then you probably need to strike off on your own too.  I wasn’t big on the whole idea of being a little worker ant

munsons

paving the helicopter pad in my employer’s backyard. I also wasn’t big on the idea of trading my time for money. It’s not that I wanted a helicopter pad of my own; I didn’t. Strangely enough, I’m against trying to get rich. I guess more than anything, I just wanted to be free and make money while hanging out on cool beaches in the Indian Ocean or while gorilla trekking on an African volcano with my hot wife.

So, I struck out on my own and started a leather business. Key phrase here is, “on my own”. And boy did I learn a lot.  I learned a lot of what not to do, that’s for sure.  And just like college, I had a blast doing it.  More about that later.

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